"I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand" - Ed Sheeran
It's a Friday, I'm sitting in a cafe, by a wall of glass separated by 3 columns and 3 rows. Black cement wall and cement floor, lined by beautiful tiles it's hard to describe it's geometry. The crew walking to and flo, front and back, to the counter and to the kitchen, doing their job. The smell of coffee pollutes the environment, enriches the ambiance and pours comfort into anyone who walks in. I am here sitting, waiting, maybe gathering some hope, a bit of inspiration, a bit of everything, like some kind of essence, that I need, very much, in life. I'm gathering some thoughts together at the same time.
Orange light lit outside as it gets darker.
24 July 2015, 4.27PM, Cloudy and rainy.
12 weeks ago. It was the first time. I felt that I could connect to someone and that I thought it'd last till at least for a while. But it didn't.
8 weeks ago. It ended.
And you know crazy things you'd do just to get over someone. The things you'd say, the actions you'd make and the words you'd put in your mouth. When emotions pour over, run over your feelings, your mind becomes unstable, you start losing stability in everything. And suddenly you feel desperate to feel comfort, to feel good again, like you've lost something and you just need it back. Desperation, I think.
"First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little." - The Script.
So true though.
I don't know when it started that I felt chained to someone, that I felt it grew so strong, it became apart of me, or worst yet, a part of my soul. Precisely, when did it start? Perhaps the way I feel was that I had already established, a bond, a connection, and then everything had aligned, you and me.
But it doesn't matter anymore.
I kept telling myself the past few weeks, maybe I was lying to myself, contemplating about everything and everyone around me, I was telling myself 'if it was not meant to be, it will never be'. It's true, it's real, it is happening, isn't it? So gradually, I have begun to accept that. The immeasurable truth to all lies I fed myself with. And that's it. I fake a smile, I put a smile so eerie it hurts, I put a mask in every possible way so that I don't need to tear down when I need to, or when I feel to, that's the truth.
So it was torture, believe me. Having to feel the things you shouldn't feel. Or maybe terrible in the sense that you keep feeling it when you need it to stop.
I went through weeks of depression that I lost count. Because I kept feeling it when I just needed it to stop so I could move on. It wasn't just that. I never stopped for a day to think if it didn't end, there'd be a future, at least, I think. But again, if it was not meant to be it will never be. So maybe, it was never meant to be.
Just a few days ago, I had an urge. An urge for accomplishment, for success, for satisfaction. For days, I contemplate whether if I should rekindle the conversation. I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to know how's life, that sort of thing. Subconsciously, maybe I had an entirely different motive, I don't know.
Just today, I found out that she has indeed moved on, found someone, possibly with someone. I really don't know. But today, right now, at this moment, I could honestly say I'm relieve. Though it's a cloudy day, maybe I feel a little down. But at some point, I feel that I'm free, loose and unattached.
"Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you,
I think I am finally clean." - Taylor Swift
The part of my soul feels whole again.
