25 November, 2014

Because You're A Mad Man

It is a sick twisted game, the world.
Made you king and the world burn under your reign
Te roofs burn to ashes with women crying in fear.
Children, they run, they flee, they fear because you're a mad man.

Can you feel it?
The adrenaline.
It burns my vein, my artery. Hot. hot as hell.
And I feel the world collapsing around me, because you're a mad man.

Can you hear it?
Screams. The world screams around you once upon a time.
Now they whisper, one, two, three.
Whispers of those once dearly, deceased, because you're a mad man.

Can you see it?
Children running, run, because they cannot stop.
To stop is to first die before having the chance to live.
Being happy means not fearing because you're a mad man.

But it won't stop.
The hallucinations.
The dreams.
It won't stop, I feel the adrenaline
I also hear people screaming.
And I see people running.
Because it is a mad world, filled with mad men like you.
Because you're a mad man.

04 November, 2014

Never Ending

17 hours a day, for 7 days and for the whole past 10 months.

That sums up to 4760 hours I had studied in the past 10 months.

8A's for SPM, current ATAR for AUSMAT is 92, don't smoke, don't drink, strict moral values and had never done a single bad thing. I am every parent's desired child.

_____________________________________________________________________________

So today, thinking it would be an okay day, judging that tomorrow's the first day of exam, just when  thought going back home was Heaven, you know, my bed. No, what came next was fright night. I got scolding just because I didn't know there was porridge for breakfast today. Dad kept talking about how I wasted money, like how I wasted a chicken drumstick, rice and RM10 today for that bland porridge. He says how much of a disappointment this is to him, wasting money. He kept on babbling about me following my mother's footstep, thinking that 'can waste whenever and whatever I want' and all that. He kept on talking about a lot of things that I'm betting 100% he didn't realise he's just the same person as I am. So many things, unrelated, related, completely a different story, he talked about.

Here's a clarification, I could not remember there was porridge, did not see it, did not hear it from anyone in my house at that point of time.

He even talked about all this and because of all this he is broke.

Being broke is a story that tells people you're not very successful. Don't blame it on me or anyone else.

So let me repeat, I have moderately-excellent grades, I am a child most parents would want because I am obedient and I study effortlessly hard and I just do it because I know it is right.

But you know, to them, to their miniature naive eyes, I'll just never be good enough. Why? Simple. When people see something better, they go for it.

Grew up in a broken family, past 18 years of my life was mostly filled of screams and rants and arguments.

I look forward to the day where I will shout back at them and tell them I'm not their toy or their dog. I don't get scolded when they want too and not because I am easily bullied or so.

He was telling me that I should take what I'm given, eat what I'm given and not complain at all. Sounds like a dog enough right.

18 years of my life taught me that parents should never be parents when they can't be parents. To their child, they are the symbol of failure to keep their marriage together. To their child, they are the symbol of fear and torment. To their child, they are the disgrace of all human beings and all of their descendants.

"The cause of all demons and sins is you and yourself. Blame no one, speak no one and say no one."


14 October, 2014

It's Complicated

You know how some people think they deserve something, but you and I both know he doesn't? It frustrates me because
1. You don't give up, you can tell people you give up, but you should know better than anyone you cannot give up.
2. You should always seek knowledge, it's never enough, saying it's enough just shows how shallow you are.
It absolutely angers me for some people who satisfy those criteria and want to become a doctor, have you look into a mirror and actually ask what you desire?

Why I say this?
That trait of giving up after multiple failure shows that you'll give up on a patient if you can't solve the problem the patient is facing.

Seek knowledge because everything changes on the table. You'll never know what happens now and later, everything is at sake.So what you can do, what you can only do, is to continuously prepare yourself, for the patient, for what ever risk you may encounter, at least past knowledge can or could prepare you.

That's not just it.

This is me trying to talk to someone, but you know there are times when you just don't know who you want to go to, and I personally am not that person who reveals something to a person, even I find myself annoying for that matter.

So here goes.

I haven't been 'rising' grade wise. I've been trying hard. But it's just never enough. So for that matter, I don't know how to push any higher.

Maybe I have to conclude that I have reached my limit? This is it. This is all. A human's capacity to store knowledge and give output of those knowledge. This is it. This is my limit.

Sigh. Is that a thing? Is that even real?

Or am I just being unrealistic and just ain't studying enough?

I want to say I'm done.

But every time I say that, I know it's a lie, because I get back up and study again, try and try again.

But after multiple test, I am still remaining stationary.

I have nothing else to prove.

I don't know what to do.

Help.

27 August, 2014

27

I don't feel it at all.

You know, birthdays are all about celebrations, it's all about appreciation like Thank God you're here, on this Earth. Despite my friends wishing me and all that. I am thankful for all of you. And I appreciate the moments I have with all of you very much.

But you know I want to hear words from my parents that as much as I weigh them as important as my friends, they don't weigh me as important as how I weigh people of their existence. I do, I really do place emphasis on important events and those moments are those that I really want to be in it, to feel what it is like to be loved, appreciated and be celebrated of.

And you know what are the words my father tell me the whole night?

You must go to the gym during your holidays.

I mean like dad, come on man, telling me unimportant stuffs on days like this when all I want is to be appreciated of my hard work, the sacrifice and even the fake smiles I put for, for all of you. I've got no words to say. I really don't. I just don't know what is appreciation on birthdays anymore. It's like one insignificant event, and just like everyday, this is just like everyday.

Here's the thing, I won't give credits to you all. Because knowing all these years ever since I've woken up to really study and strive hard, nobody, except my friends, has given me words of encouragement, nothing at all. So, no, I will not give any credits to you all. Because success is earned, guidance is followed, but efforts are all self sacrificed. So, no thank you to all of you.

21 August, 2014

What does it take be great?

I often ask myself this.

What does it take to be a surgeon?
What does it take to be a doctor?
But that's not just it.
If someone were to hand their lives over to me, they have to trust me,
So what makes me qualified to be a surgeon?
What gives me the right to make decisions on someone else's life?
What makes me think or feel that I can do it, can save a life, or can assure them that they are in good hands?

If I'm no good, I can't be a surgeon.
If I'm just an inch worst than any other great surgeons in the world, then I can't be a surgeon.
If every time I operate and they live by chance, then I can't be a surgeon. 
And if feeling demotivated and depressed and pressured every time, then I can't be a surgeon.

Because every surgery means I am acting God, and I decide if you live.
So yes, I am making the decision for you, for your life.
So if you were to hand your life to me, I have to be damn good at my job.

So I'm praying.
I'm praying.
I'm praying.
That I am that good.
That I can be a great surgeon, with time, but not, and never by chance.

Regardless of what the future has set.
I need to be damn good right now. 
Because that's what it takes to be damn good in the future.
If everything right now, so related to medicine, and I am not damn good, then how to be good later?
So I have to be damn good.

What does it take to be great?

I need to be great.
I need to be great.
As God is great.
As God decides who live and dies.
But when a surgeon operates, he decides who lives and dies.
By God's Grace, if He allows, the surgeon is acting God. 
Because the surgeon is holding a scalpel,
He can either murder you or let you live for decades to come.